The V word

                   Virgin, 
i dunno what it means and what it represents. Why does sex have to take away your innocents? i feel no less innocent now then i did before. The only thing i would say has changed is how i feel towards my boyfriend. This made me more comfortable and confident around him and i honestly will do it again. I'm worried maybe things are happening to soon but i honestly feel like i'm in love with him in so many ways.....I dunno the v word is a tough one but i don't think it matters in the grand scheme of life. after all it is ultimately your decision if u r ready for it or not...and i was ready......i think :/

in a box

okay so i'm seriously done with conforming, i want to be able to be myself and not have people judge me. I want to be a unique peron but i feel like my parents have out me in this box of what they want their daughter to look like and im so done with staying in it. Blonde hair as white as can be and red lipstick is what i want to be. I'm going to start by ordering the Doc Martens i have wanted for as logn as i can remember. Blonde hair is next and then the rest will fall in to line. My mom can just get used to the fact that i am an artistic person and im tired of being the same as everyone else. I love  punk rock styles and i think its about time is atrted to be more how i want and less how my mother wants. If she doesn't like it then she can just get used to it. Another thing is my weight. I am so done being some frumpy teenager.  I'm gonna go to the gym and stop eating in general. I can eat when i'm skinny  and i most defenatly am not there yet. Time to let me out of the box...don't ya think ;)

Heart Break

whats done is done

Today marks the day that writing about number 3 will end. I must say i did see this one coming but i just wish it could have lasted a little longer. Guess trying to find out the truth can come back to bite you in the ass sometimes. The problem all started back when i went on Vacation with my family (+1 exchange student who is our temporary 3rd sister for the time being )I left town for awhile and when i got back people were telling me he had been flirting with his ex girlfriend. I wasn't sure i believed it so i went right to him and asked. He flat out denied it and told me that nothing had happened. I believed him completely and went back on with my life. One of my best friends came to me and told me that he was lying to me and that he actually had been talking to his ex. Me, being so confused as to who to believe, went to his ex and asked if he had been talking to her. Guess news got back to him that i messaged his ex and so he decided to break up with me for not trusting him...God life sucks sometimes. Worst part is 10 minutes after the Facebook status were changed he deleted me as a friend and changed his profile picture back to "said picture with the two gorgeous models". Man boys sure can be assholes sometimes.Just shows me how much he actually cared about me. I guess i'm just not as important and special to him as i thought. Just goes to show that you should be careful with how badly you really want the truth, because sometimes the truth about a person can surprise you hugely and it wont be for the better. One thing is for the better though and that would be me now being "single and ready to mingle"...i hope :/ ....whatever this whole discombobulation just made me realize that i deserve to be treated better and can do a hell of a lot better than some contemptuous asshole like him..oh well heart break isn't actually as  hard as i thought...just makes me feel like i have a huge weight lifted off my chest...maybe my heart was holding something it wasn't ready for and ending this is giving it a break...that's why they call it heart "break". Haha i'm so cheesy :D 

Exasperated

Bang my head against a wall sometimes

Okay so, you know that feeling you get when that one kid in your class thinks its hilarious to drag their nails across the chalk board.Well i seem to be getting that feeling a lot lately and for some strange reason it seems to be pertaining towards my boyfriend.
Hes not necessarily doing something horrible but considering my weight problems and my mothers constant nagging when he starts to brag   about the gym....not interested, not even a little bit. For some strange reason it gives me this nagging sense like "Hey i get enough of this crap from my mom i don't need to hear about  how much iron you pumped today" now i'm not sure if that makes me a horrible girlfriend for trying to drop hints that i'm not interested. Lets just say my "hints" went something along the line of "oh hey that's really nice but what else did you do today" and when his totally clueless answer cam back at " Well we ran 40 laps around the track..." ya you guessed it, more gym talk. I finally managed to get him off the topic of his workout routine but if you know boys you would know the next thing he chooses to talk about. Food...yup the dreaded F word that i myself am trying to avoid. When he starts going on about some stupid spicy chicken burger he managed to scarf down in "20 seconds flat" well you can just about imagine how i was feeling. Banging my head against the wall of his total obliviousness to what i was trying to say. In the end i just flat out told him what i was trying to say,after an immense apology he decided to FINALLY change the subject to something a lot better ...ME ;)  jk we talked about his dog....i guess its better than talking about his good physical health right....RIGHT???...whatever haha i give up...nails on a chalk board is starting to look really good right about now :/

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Love Struck

figures when it rains it pours

So i don't exactly have boys running after me all the time but for some reason this summer i seemed to meet a couple mister rights at the very wrong time :/ gotta love that when it finally starts to rain it pours... Boy number one was just a fun fling for a night when i was bored and though he didn't work out he ended up being fun for the time being. Boy number 2 was an absolute sweetheart, perfect in most ways but very shy. he seemed like the perfect guy for me and we even went on a date. Figures that 2 days later i would meet number 3 , this boy was amazingly handsome and insanely nice . Too good to be true so i jumped at the chance. Not sure things would work ,i failed to cut things off with number 2. When on a date with number 3  guess who walks in to the theater..yup you guessed it...number 2....So after an awkward hello and introductions number 3 and i went on to see our movie... the movie was good and we had  fun chatting the whole time annoying everyone around us. When we get out of the theater guess who is standing there talking to some friends...yup you guessed it...number 1...like i said when it rains it pours. Lucky for me number 3 was only amused by my discomfort and although in my blog about him he seems like he is not very good i actually feel like i'm falling in love with him, anger is as much an emotion as love and to me if there is no passion in a relationship things will fizzle out. Being able to get through fights and come out stronger is what  will keep us together for a long time or so i hope <3

Fatty

nomnomnomnom

I honestly don't know what it is about teenage girls and thinking they are fat. Being one of those teenage girls who believes she has a weight problem herself can be kind of tough sometimes. I know i'm not your typical skinny teenager , don't get me wrong i know i'm  not Fat but i'm not exactly thin either. Being a 16 year old girl who has a little extra weight on her can be hard because i know for a fact that boys can be insanely cruel to the girls who don't fallow their every move. I'm talking about that cocky guy..you know the one i'm talking about. He thinks he's mister cool and that every girl wants him so badly. Well i made the mistake of saying what i'm positive any girl with a head on her shoulders is thinking when he tries his cocky little one liners. Cocky guys don't seem to like getting put back in their places, i have learnt this one the hard way. Lucky me i seemed to pick out the one who can see the one thing about myself i don't like , that would be my weight. So he decided to make little comments here and their."Gross" and "eww" now i know these words aren't very big but when they are being directed at you, well lets just say they don't feel so small anymore . I never realized how big i could feel until this happened. This past summer i decided i am going to lose weight. I'm already * pounds down and feeling good but i have about another 20 more to go to bet to my goal weight of 130. For teenage girls its all about the number. 100, 110,120, 130...the numbers that are acceptable in todays society.. anything over and people think your husky, chunky and or fat. Who ever thought people would let a number define them so much, ask any teenage girl they know how much they weigh and they know how much they should way. Some strive to be lower than average some strive to get as close to an average weight as they can get. I know wanting to be within these walls makes me shallow but if being happy with myself is what it takes for me to feel good in my own skin then doesn't everyone deserve the feeling being good with themselves...I will just say this last thing. I love food and i don't ever intend to starve myself but i would just like to be able to eat something fatty and greasy for once and not feel like i betrayed myself for it...being at a healthy weight having those treats once in a blue moon...i think i can finally do that :D

Angst.Rage .Boys

Love this Author ^^

Having a boyfriend can kinda be amazing sometimes especially when he's an absolute sweetheart.My boyfriend,  is a absolute sweetheart at times, but other times he just makes me want to pull my hair out. I don't know what it is about boys that make girls so crazy but sometimes they just get annoying. Maybe i'm with the wrong guy i honestly don't know what it is but sometimes i think to myself "What is it about this self centered asshole that i even like " I mean maybe he's got an amazing smile that makes my heart melt and maybe he says some of the sweetest things to me but his attitude.. don't even get me started on that. I'm sorry but i'm tired of hearing what you think of other people , sorry that girls fat and i'm sorry you think that guys a fag but honestly i could care less about the people around us when we are together. Why do some guys insist on people watching when they are with their girlfriends... do they think their opinionated biased views impress us...CUZ IT SURE AS HELL DOES NOT IMPRESS ME!!!  When I'm with my boyfriend i want him  to make me laugh and joke around , not care what the people around us think, but when your the one giving the opinion i can see how that would be hard to do. I don't really know what to do with my situation. i'm scared that talking to him might make things more complicated. but i'm hearing and seeing things about him that i don't like very much and i'm worried if things keep going this direction i might not be able to be with him anymore.... does that make me a bad person??